Thursday, November 1, 2007

Piss protocol and Twinkies

What is the protocol for the men’s bathroom? If you walk in to the men’s room and there is someone peeing in there, are there a required number of urinals that should be between you and the other man peeing? I was walking by the men’s restroom in my office today and saw two men walk out, having a conversation. It made me wonder…when did their conversation start? Did it begin prior to urination, during urination, or post urination?

I realized I had no idea about male etiquette in a public restroom…never mind Senator Craig and his toe tapping.

When women go into the restroom, they have conversations, but typically the conversation stops when urination begins. Ok, so this might be too much information for the guys out there, but I’m just saying…girls talk a lot in the bathroom, but when we are actually “going” the conversation pauses, to be continued after the flush. At least that is how I roll.

But what about guys? Is there typically conversation during a piss session? If you know a guy in the bathroom, do you walk over and hang out right next-door? Or do you leave a few urinals of space between you and your friend? And how does this work in the office? Especially when the guy you’re peeing next to is your boss. Its like the men’s restroom is women’s final frontier…a vast, turbulent expanse where the Sun’s influence ends, only to be entered at great risk. Yuck, I just wrote that sentence and cringed to think that a male bathroom would be women’s final frontier…but I thought the sentence sounded catchy.

Anyways, since I know nothing of male bathroom adventures, here is a women’s bathroom story for your reading pleasure…

Here at Dunder Mifflin folks often bring in snacks to share. This includes cookies, bagels, bread, candy, etc. A few weeks ago, prior to my blogging days, someone had left a box of Twinkies for the taking. Damn them. I had to walk by the counter where they were sitting like ten times during the day, every time averting my eyes so as to not be any more tempted by Twinkie goodness. At the end of the day, the box was gone, but there was one Twinkie left chilling on the counter, taunting me.

I broke down and grabbed it.

But then I immediately panicked and guilt set in. Who wants to be seen eating a Twinkie? I mean, they are actually really disgusting…a fallice shaped cake filled with cream. I took a lap around the office, clutching the Twinkie and trying to decide the best place to eat it in shame. Of course! The bathroom!

With a sly grin I slipped into the ladies room and huddled in a stall. As a started to open the flimsy cellophane packaging someone else walked into the bathroom. Since I was so focused eating my Twinkie in peace, the entrance of a person scared the crap out of me. Startled, I jumped, and the half-opened Twinkie slipped out of my hands and landed with a loud “PLOP” into the toilet. Great. Now I had a toilet Twinkie and the person who just walked in probably thought I was taking a huge dump. Panicking, I pulled down my pants and sat on the john.

Which is worse? Hearing a person take a crap or finding them with a Twinkie in the toilet. My gut reaction was that it would be more embarrassing to be seen walking out of the stall and tossing a soggy Twinkie in the trashcan than to be heard going to the bathroom. So I pretended to be using the toilet until the person left. I pretended. I swear. There is no way I would pee on a Twinkie and then have to reach in to remove it. And I had to remove it! The wrapper was still on! And what if someone walked in behind me, saw the Twinkie, and was like “What the hell was she doing in there?”. So, the person finally left and I quickly recovered the Twinkie and tossed it. Effing Twinkie. I then washed my hands three times. I’ll never attempt to eat a Twinkie again.


wes285 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wes285 said...

that little game should get you started on men's room etiquette

Karena said...

oh my lil twinkie crazed friend/office mate !! lol

Kim said...

I actually thought while reading, "Please tell me she didn't pee on the twinkie!" Hilarious!

I-66 said...

Oh man. First of all let me say that the twinkie story is absolutely tremendous. I can't believe you actually recovered it. I would've flushed the john and fled. And don't think the "scared the crap out of me" while you were sitting on the toilet went un-noticed.

Regarding the peeing, since I'm a guy I'd like to shed some light on the rules as I follow them:

Unless there is a wall or other sort of partition, always observe one urinal of space between pee-ers. When peeing, I stare at the wall. No looking left or right, but looking up and down is permitted, especially if a TV is in the wall above me. I do not speak first, but if spoken to directly I will answer. And never, ever, under any circumstances, will I touch another man while either of us is peeing. I once had a drunk dude pat me on the back while I was taking a leak, and I went "Dude, don't touch me while I'm touching me."

Joanna said...

Ahhhhhh, hilarious! :)

Young, Broke, and Fab said...

i-66, thanks for sharing your restroom rules...and that's hilarious that someone tried to touch you mid-piss

Anonymous said...

Pretty-- Pretty please tell the story of the girl at the zoo who locked herself in the stall to hide her toilet paper eating habit from her mother. Please.


BrokeInDC said...


O MY GOSH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT STORY. I hope I remember all the details...cause that post is going up soon.