Velociraptor Hiccup

Today I’m going to share with you the story of my velociraptor hiccup. First of all, yes, that is how you spell velociraptor because I looked it up. Today I had a brief hiccup stint, and it reminded me of the time I went all Jurassic Park in middle school during a bout of hiccups.

Ok, so I have the kind of hiccups that are super annoying. They are generally loud and noticeable, and no matter how much I try, I can never manage to keep my mouth closed to muffle the sound during a hiccup. All throughout my years of education, teachers and professors have hated me as soon as my hiccups come around. In middle school and high school I just giggled my way through it, but in college I just ended up leaving class and writing an email to the professor later apologizing (actually no, I never really made that kind of follow-up effort…I just wrote that because my parents read my blog…but then I remembered I’m 23 and I support myself, so boo ya ‘rents, I write what I want).

One time in middle school I had a horrific hiccup spell. I mean, these things were lasting all morning. Every 30 seconds I emitted a loud “yawp”, all my classmates would laugh, and my face would twist into a silly smirk. I wanted to look like I was embarrassed, but really I didn’t mind the hiccups because I loved the attention.

Finally it was 4^th period and I was sitting in history class with Mrs. Ferret. Now, I’m calling her Mrs. Ferret because for the life of me I can’t remember her real name, but I do remember she looked like a ferret. She was an awful teacher and everyone hated her. She also had an awful daughter that was in my year. I can’t remember her name either, but I do remember we called her Rhonda Lids, because this chick would always wear this bright blue eye shadow slicked across her eyelids. Blegh.

Anyways, we had just had a huge test in Ferret’s class. Now Ferret was pretty psycho, and always wanted her classroom silent. If you made the smallest whisper to your friend, that beeyotch would hear it and yell at you immediately. You can imagine her excitement when I started yawping every 30 seconds with the hiccups.

She was passing back the big test we had taken, and the classroom was dead silent, except for my hiccups. After the first hiccup she looked daggers at me and sent me to the drinking fountain. Naturally, water did nothing. I came back from my drink of water and sat down, still hiccupping. She absolutely hated when people were noisy in her classroom, but I had the hiccups, which is something you can’t help, so she just kept getting angrier and angrier every timed I yawped. Ferret had finished passing out the tests and told us to take a few minutes to review them. I was sitting there, reviewing my test (which I had aced…I was a genius, please) and was starting to get tired. I had just had a hiccup, so I figured I’d be safe to yawn really quick before the next hiccup. Big mistake. You know when you try and talk while inhaling and it sounds all high-pitched and squawky? Well imagine a wide mouthed, inhaling huge ass hiccup. That thing could wake the dead. This is where Jurassic Park comes in. The noise I made was a loud “RAAAAAAAAAH!” that finished on a high note. Exactly like a velociraptor in the middle of a dead silent classroom.

I had thought the classroom was pretty quiet pre-hiccup, but after the velociraptor hiccup, you could have heard a pin drop. I had 30 wide eyed faces staring at me, including Ferret, who looked like she was going to explode. I looked around, stone-faced for a good ten seconds, and then busted out laughing.

Come find me some time and I will re-enact it for you.