Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Ok, so this is a story from the holiday season a few years ago. I had completely forgotten about this series of events until my friend Pretty reminded me of it on a previous post. I have also realized I have an absurd amount of bathroom stories.


I am originally from the very nice state of Ohio. I grew up just outside of Toledo. The city of Toledo has a very lovely zoo. Around Christmas-time, they decorate the zoo with all kinds of lights. Its actually pretty amazing, because the entire zoo is covered with twinkling lights in cool designs. My friends and I used to go every winter.

I will never forget the one time I went to the Toledo Zoo Lights.

We arrived at the zoo and went to get our tickets. It was very busy at the zoo that evening...the lines were super long. After purchasing my ticket, I told my friends I would meet them at the gate because I had to use the restroom. Super long line there as well.

Now, all sorts of people go to the Toledo zoo. Country folk, city slickers, rich, poor, white, black, red, yellow...and apparently very hungry children.

I was waiting in line for the bathroom, minding my own business. I had finally made my way just inside the door, but there were still about 6 or 7 ladies ahead of me. As I was standing there, I saw a mother yelling at her child through the stall.

"Are you almost done yet?!" the mom called to her kid through the stall.

"Almost!" came a muffled response.

"Hurry up! We have to see the lights...the place closes in an hour! What are you doing in there?!" the mom yelled.

Meanwhile, everyone in the bathroom is politely ignoring the woman yelling at her child through the bathroom stall. And it was a packed bathroom. This was occurring in front of a whole slew of people. The woman continued to yell at her kid, who had been there for about five minutes at this point. The girl had a whiny, high-pitched 8-year-old voice, and obviously did not want to be bothered while she was using the restroom.

"If you're doing what I think you are doing, I'm coming in there and dragging you out of this zoo!" the woman yelled at her daughter.

"Noooo, waiiiiit. I'm almost done!" came the oddly muffled reply from the stall.

Finally, the woman got down on her HANDS AND KNEES, looked under the stall, and cried out:


This woman proceeded to wrench open the door and yank out a chubby little girl with gigantic wads of toilet paper stuffed in her mouth. I mean, this girls mouth was BULGING with toilet paper. She even had a stray toilet paper trail hanging down her chin. At this point, EVERYONE in the bathroom was staring. I mean, how can you not?

The mother shoved the little girl, who had tears running down her face, over to the sink and started grabbing the toilet paper out of the kids mouth and tossing it in the sink, the whole time yelling, "What do you think you're doing? Why does this always happen? We are never coming to the zoo again! You're grounded!"

The little girl was crying and blubbering all over the place, pieces of toilet paper flying out of her mouth. It was one of those moments, where I was totally appalled at what I was seeing, I felt pity for the little girl, I felt sorry for the mom, I wanted to burst out laughing, and I couldn't stop thinking, "Damn, she must have been hungry."

The weirdest part was, after the mom dragged the little girl out of the bathroom (the little girl was still clutching a wad of toilet paper in hand), I looked around with my eyes wide, smiling, looking for someone to laugh with. EVERYONE WAS PRETENDING LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED! I was pissed...I mean, that has got to be the WEIRDEST thing anyone in that bathroom had ever seen, and no one even made a comment or a smile. Maybe everyone in Toledo has kids that eat toilet paper, and that is just a daily occurrence.

Its too bad camera phones weren't out when this happened. I would have shamelessly taken a picture of that little girl chock full of TP.


Karena said...

that's wrong on many levels...period

I-66 said...

I would've laughed with you. Then I would've asked you "why am I in the women's bathroom?" and that would have been even more awkward.

But really, what's worse: Eating toilet paper, or getting down on your hands and knees on the bathroom floor, and then reaching into your child's mouth (probably) without washing your hands?

I say the latter.

ByTheWayBetch said...

hahahahaha that's hysterical

what a WEIRD kid

BrokeInDC said...

i-66: yes I thought of that as well...and yes, the latter is worse

betch: weirdest kid I've ever seen...if I ever have kids, I pray that they do not eat toilet paper

Kim said...

I bet the mom is why that girl is weird and eats toilet paper. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.